Uncertainty
01.03.25

Being uncertain of who I am, and asking others to tell me, is a manifestation of disconnection. "Who am I? Am I nice?" seems to be the root question.

In this state of uncertainty, I am vulnerable to being "moved" by another's assessment (state of being). Whether the answer to my question is loving or unloving - it doesn't matter - for my state is movable - unstable - capable of being manipulated. There is a subtle trepidation / hesitation / nervousness in my energy field, as I explore and interact with the world.

But, becoming aware of this small, uncertain self (the ego) equates to its disappearance; in the light, the shadow is no longer. In this aware state, there is no "small self". There is only an empty fullness; a knowing and experiencing of Self.

A smile arises with the realisation of the suffering endured. I see the small self that was chosen, again and again. And, I see that it is no longer, as soon as it is seen.

How the aware state presents itself:

Alex and I are cooking in the kitchen. Alex asks me to pass him something. I misunderstand what he is referring to and pass him something else. He experiences frustration at the difference between his expectation and my response. Rather than blaming myself for the frustration (wondering whether I am inattentive, should pay more attention etc), I am aware of Alex's state, offer a calm smile and a hug, and lightheartedly remind him of who he is.

Another example:

I send a poem to someone I know. They do not respond. I notice the absence of a response, and think no more about it.